All about having an Au Pair

Last summer one of my best friends came to visit from Dubai, and during her stay we began talking about the topic of childcare. At that point we were nearly two years into have a part time Nanny, Becca, who we absolutely loved, but who we knew was going to be eventually moving on due to personal reasons. She hadn’t given her notice quite yet (it came a month later), but we had a hunch it would be happening within the next 6-8 months so Adam and I had already begun talking about our options. My friend, Patti, told us we should get an Au Pair. She had been an Au Pair herself in Denmark, which is where we met, and she had been having an Au Pair for her children from the time they were infants. I kinda brushed it off because I felt like only the really rich people who don’t want to actually parent their kids are the ones who gets Au Pairs in America. I was wrong. 😉

When Becca gave us her notice Adam and I decided that I would take a handful of months off to just be with the kids and that we would look for a replacement for Becca during that time. We talked to a few people but nobody seemed to really fit exactly what we had in mind, or we couldn’t afford the hourly rate they were asking for. About the same time, my friend Patti reached out to me and said “Hey, my Au Pair is from South Africa and her friend would love to come to the US to be an Au Pair.” Adam and I talked about it and decided we were open to the idea. We had no idea what it entailed or what the process was like, but we figured she could just come here on a tourist visa and we would pay her the federal Au Pair stipend each week. We soon learned that was illegal and the only way to have an Au Pair, legally, in the US is to go through an agency. We wee a bit bummed because it seemed like the agencies were really expensive and would put us over our budget. We also didn’t like that the agency fee came out to be nearly half of what the all-in annual cost would be, and the Au Pair sees none of that money. After crunching the number, we realized that even with the agency fees, it would be cheaper than daycare. I, personally, never felt like daycare was a good option for our family. I know that there are many daycares that are amazing and that people love but, for us, it just never felt like a right fit. The idea of someone being in our home with our kids, while I am just a room over in the office, was the most preferable option. After mulling it over, we decided to move forward with the process.

I told my friend Patti to give her Au Pair my email address so that her friend can contact us. This isn’t the typical way to go about finding an Au Pair. Generally speaking, you sign up for a particular agency – there are around 10 in the US – and then choose from their pool of candidates. Meagan wrote us and we quickly sent a few emails back and forth and then scheduled a time for Google Hangout. When all was said and done, we met with her online 3 separate times, and did our very best to give her as accurate of a picture as possible of our family, and did our best to really figure out who she is. The poor girl. I all but interrogated her in those calls. If we were going to have someone come live with us for a year, I wanted to know as much as possible, that she wasn’t a crazy person. I’m so glad she tolerated all my questions, and answered them with grace and understanding, haha.

We basically did the entire process backwards because we decided we wanted to bring Meagan into our home before even signing up with an agency. Accordingly, we didn’t agency shop based on their pool of candidates, but only on which one would be the cheapest. It appeared that they are all basically the same, but we managed to save a few hundred extra with Adam’s military discount by going with Cultural Care, and they are one of the three largest agencies anyway so it worked out well! We have had a great experience with them so far. We applied, and the LCC (Local Care Consultant) for our area came out to interview us… and, let’s be honest, make sure we weren’t serial killers or running a human trafficking ring. Once our interview was cleared, they interviewed Meagan in South Africa, and then the official process of backgrounds checks, etc began. It’s about 8 weeks from the date you “match” until they arrive. We matched with her officially through their website on December 23, and she came to us on Valentine’s Day.

Upon arriving, Au Pairs go straight to training school for one week. During that time they take classes on cultural differences, CPR, specialized infant training, First Aid, etc. In addition to classes related to the care of children, Au Pairs attend workshops designed to help them succeed in their new role. Workshop topics include complexities of the Au Pair role; stress management; effective communication; and how to build strong relationships. On their final day, they are taken into NYC for a day to see some of the famous spots. While some of them stay in NYC for their year, many then fly out to other states or hop on a bus to go to a more local state. In meagan’s case, they put her on a bus to West Hartford, CT which is where we picked her up. To celebrate both her arrival, and Valentine’s Day we had dinner at Hibachi that evening.

Prior to Meagan arriving, I spent a LOT of time in a facebook group for Au Pair Host Families and asked a ton of questions. There were a lot of horror stories in there, which made me a bit nervous, but I’ve since learned that A.) Many of the host families don’t have an outlet to talk about their Au Pair challenges, so naturally the group is going to have more of a negative edge and B.) Many of the host families don’t do a ton of interviewing ahead of time and/or make the expectations of their family clear from the beginning. While it would be impossible to fully communicate all the ebbs and flows of our family via written word, we tried our very best to paint an accurate picture for Meagan of what our week looks like, and what her responsibilities would consist of. I spent hours making a 25 page handbook that outlines everything from our family dynamics to her responsibilities to how we celebrate holidays.

We are now 3 months in and we have LOVED having Meagan join our family. She integrated quickly and seamlessly and has done everything with us. Both Addie and Alex love her, and she has been excellent with them! It’s worth mentioning that the world took an incredible turn just a few weeks into her being here when everything and everyone stated going on lockdown for COVID-19. We decided earlier than most to completely isolate, and I know that’s not what she signed up for in her hopes of an exciting year in the US. She has handled all of it like a champ and has not complained at all.

So far we are really grateful for this program, and hope that it can be a part of our lives and family for many years. I asked on Instagram for questions that I could answer regarding having an Au Pair, and these were the most asked questions. If you have any others, leave a comment and I’ll do my best to answer!

What is the cost and how does it compare to other childcare options?
The agency fees vary but, depending on where you are located, the annual agency fee is $7000-9000. Many of them have discounts available if you’ve pre-matched (like we did) before joining the agency, are eligible for Military discount, etc. After that, there is a weekly stipend of $195.75 that is paid directly to the Au Pair as well as up to $500 annually toward their schooling. The stipend is all that the Au Pair gets paid, and the agency fee goes 100% to the agency, who handles getting their insurance, plane tickets, etc. Other cost variables are a car/insurance, phone, gym membership, extra utilities, eating out, activities (you’re adding an adult to everything you do), etc. We have estimated that it will cost us $19,000-20,000 for the year. It seems as though this is on the lower end, but our Au Pair doesn’t drive and we don’t need her to for anything. Many Au Pairs want and expect to be able to drive, so the additional car payment and insurance for the year can add a considerable amount of money.

Why would someone want to be an Au Pair?
For many of these girls (and some guys do it too! They are called Bro Pairs), this is a great opportunity to learn about another culture and to see what life is like in America. Many of them come here with the hopes of traveling to places like NYC, Boston, LA and Miami during their stay – we have encouraged Meagan to see and do as much as she can while she’s here! She gets two weeks vacation and then an entire weekend off once a month. We have also told her we can be flexible with the schedule if she wants to go somewhere like Miami but wants to stay more than 2 days. For others, the opportunity to come to America to practice English is a large driving factor. They know that if they are proficient in English, they have a greater chance at securing a good job back home.

What is the process like of choosing an Au Pair?
Like I said above, we went backwards with it. But when Meagan is done, we will start by going into the pool of candidates on our agency website (again, we highly recommend Cultural Care) and narrowing down candidates based on a few things. For us, making sure we had an Au Pair that shared the same values as us was super important. At the top of our list was someone who was a Christian and who held strong Christian values. Not far after that was someone who is outgoing and adventurous, a good communicator, good work ethic, and easy going. A lot of that isn’t clear through the profiles, but that’s where the interviews come in. I would say to make a list of your top 3-5 qualities that are must-haves and create a list of questions surrounding those things that you can ask your candidates to get a better idea of whether or not they are a good fit.

What is it like having someone live in your home? Can you “be yourself”?
We were hoping to have someone who would integrate into our family. Some families want an Au Pair who does their ob, and then is independent but we were hoping to have someone really join our family. Accordingly, we have never (thus far) set any boundaries in terms of eating dinner or doing activities “alone as a family.” She is 22 and this is her first time living away from her family – we want her to feel like she has another family in us, and not like she’s just the hired help. Accordingly, we were fully prepared to have someone really LIVE in our home and not just use it as their place to sleep. Adam and I are not the type to walk around naked (well, Adam isn’t, haha) so we’ve never felt like we can’t be ourselves. The onyl thing, if anything, is that there have been a couple times that Alex has been in a particularly testing mood and we’ve found that by having another adult here it provides us with just one more level of accountability to make sure we are responding to him calmly and with patience at all times 🙂

What is the schedule like and what is she responsible for?
The federal requirements are that they can work up to 10 hours a day and 45 hours a week – you can’t go over either of those. They also have to have 1 day off a week and 1 entire weekend (Friday night to Monday morning) every month. We write out her schedule for the week every Sunday, which is also when we have our little weekly meeting. Her schedule changes slightly each week but, in general, she works 3 full days (8-5) and 2 half days (12-5 or 8-12) each week as well as one evening for Adam and I to have a date night. So far we’ve been scheduling her around 42-44 hours. We’ve only used 37 some weeks and we’ve used the full 45 some weeks. She can do anything related to the kids – watching them, playing with them, helping Alex with school, cooking for the kids, sorting their clothes, doing any cleaning tasks that pertain to the kids, etc. What she does NOT do (or what we aren’t supposed to schedule her for) are things like brushing the dog, cleaning all our bathrooms (she does the downstairs ones, which she and the kids mostly use), doing MY laundry (she does the kids’ laundry), etc. They aren’t a housemaid – they should help with household tasks, as any household member would, but their primary responsibility is the kids.

How does driving work?
It is a federal requirement for them to have their license before coming here, but it appears as though that’s a relaxed rule because many just have their learning permit. If they do have their international drivers license, they have to get a license in the state they are residing within 30 days of arriving, if they plan to drive. Many families need a skilled driver to take the kids to/from school, extra curricular activities, etc. If that’s the case, you are required to provide a car for the Au Pair to use, as well as cover insurance. We told Meagan ahead of time that we wouldn’t need her driving, and we mad eit clear that she would not have access to a car while here, because we wanted to make sure she had realistic expectations. Thankfully, she only had her learning permit before coming here, so she wasn’t used to driving herself around anyway. We are giving her an Uber stipend each month, and we take her wherever she needs to go locally. In addition, once the weather warms up, she will have her own bike to get around.

What are the room requirements/setup?
The requirement is that they have their own bedroom with a window. There are no restrictions on size. Our Au Pair actually has a pretty sweet setup, because 2 years ago we remodeled our entire attic space to be our guest bedroom. She basically has her own apartment up there with a queen bed, 2 dressers, small closet, sitting area, TV, desk, etc. She doesn’t have her own kitchen/bathroom, but she showers in our downstairs bathroom and she’s the only one who uses that shower.

Are they able to study at all?
It is actually required that they get 6 credits while here. Many universities have Au Pair-specific classes that are scheduled more around typical working hours for Au Pairs (so evenings or weekends). They also have these special cultural learning experiences that the Au Pairs can go on to earn credits. Our plans on doing these trips, and thats what we recommended to her as well. They pay a small fee – we are responsible for up t $500 for the year twoard her schooling – and then the entire trip is covered. They have trips to Montreal, Washington DC, Boston, Philly, Amish Country, etc.

How do you ensure good communication?
We have a meeting every Sunday afternoon to check up on her, allow for questions, review the week, talk about the week ahead, etc. We’ve set it up in a way that if there is a pressing issue, she can obviously talk to us about it, but if it’s just something like “Alex really isn’t listening to me”, we prefer she waits until Sunday so that we can discuss any reoccurring issues then and figure out a way to address them. We’ve told her that it is super important to us that she is open about everything – good things, things she’s struggling with, etc. We’ve told her we will do the same. So far, it’s been working really well for us.

How long does she stay?
Her contract is 1 year but she can extend – either with us or another family – for 3, 6 9 or 12 months. We discussed this with her ahead of time because if it worked out well, we prefer someone who would extend. That being said, many Au Pairs prefer to go to a different area of the country.